Professor Membrane and the Mall Santa
by otherrealmwriter
Summary: Professor Membrane is forced to leave the labs for a day to spend some time with his kids by taking them to see Santa. So how does the holiday season work its magic on a man who vowed to destroy Santa? Written for the WA Holiday Challenge.


**I do not own Invader Zim okay? I know I should be working on my other fics but I had this idea for a good little Christmasy fluff. It takes place before the series begins, so that's why Dib and Gaz's ages are younger than the cannon. This is for the Writer's Anonymous Holiday Challenge. But enough with this A/N, on with the fic!**

Professor Membrane sat at his lab looking at the cage of gerbils he was using in one of his experiments with great fascination. The rodents had their joints replaced with titanium atomic powered ones that were encased with protections that supposedly protected them from the side effects of radiation and lead poisoning. If he could perfect this technology, having a knee replacement wouldn't be a crippling injury that caused the fittest of men to fall into a life of sloth and obesity but would actually be a blessing to their sports careers and all new military recruits would have these to make them faster stronger and maybe if he could take it beyond just making superpowered joints, he could move humanity forward and make them stronger than they could have hoped on their own. He looked up to see the grey cloud of December with sleet and a little bit of snow starting to pile up outside the window. "I have got to find something to deal with that. Snow is nothing but a hazard." Professor Membrane said as he wrote a few things down on his idea note pad and turned back to the gerbils, hoping that no negative side effects would show up.

A door opened up, causing Professor Membrane to perk up and look behind him. "You need to take a break Professor, it's been how many days since you started observing those things?" Simmons, his head assistant said heading over to him.

"I think we finished the operation on these gerbils around September... I think that was right after the Annual Family Night..." Professor Membrane said looking even more intensely at the gerbils.

"Well, I think you may want to look at this." Simmons said as he placed an ad for Santa at the local mall beside him.

"An ad for that fat bastard? And the ones at the mall are usually played by smelly hobos who haven't changed clothes in years. And they wreak of ham and vomit." Professor Membrane said recalling his childhood and the moment he dedicated himself to destroying Santa. He had behaved himself that year and knew the legend. Be good and Santa will bring you what you want. He wanted 12 cases of uranium 238 for his generator project so that his parents would not yell at him for raising the electric bill but instead he got socks. His father had told him that when he made a ray gun out of a baby Jesus, shepherd's staff and some candles at church was what had gotten him on the naughty list, along with the time he blew up the mailbox of the girl across the street. He did not accept this idea and from then on, devoted his mind to destroying Santa. When he became old enough to travel without parental supervision, he had headed north to create an armory to destroy Santa, but there had been times in the past few years that he just had not had the time to live out his goal.

"Yeah, yeah I know the story of why you hate him and I know that the mall Santa is a fake but Dib and Gaz might not." Simmons said. He had become increasingly concerned with how much time he spent at the labs and not at home, considering that Dib and Gaz were only 8 and 7 themselves at the time. And frankly people who worked at the lab were talking and Simmons was worried some of the administration staff would get a little too concerned and call the officials.

"So?" Professor Membrane said. "They don't need to get their hopes up and dashed yet. Maybe in a few years..."

"Look, they're young. Still young enough to believe in this kind of thing. Kids love Christmas." Simmons pleaded.

"So? I come home every Christmas and waste a day of work seeing them open the gifts I got them and eating pizza because somehow I can create perpetual energy for short bursts but cook a turkey and it bursts into flames. Then again, Dib and Gaz don't seem to care about that." Professor Membrane said.

"Fine. I guess I am going to have to play hard ball." Simmons said. "People are beginning to talk about how much time you spend in the labs and how much you don't spend at home."

"I have safeguards in place for the children." Professor Membrane said looking at the gerbils again.

"Yeah, and your son's accident with the hover helmet this past summer was a perfect example of that and what caused people to start to talk in the first place." Simmons said. "Now it's Christmastime and people care about kids and their misery a lot more. So if you want them to shut up and NOT call child protective services I suggest you humor them and take your kids to see Santa. Buy a few of the cheap overpriced Polaroids and they will shut up and not bother you about it till this time next year or when your son hurts himself again." Simmons said bluntly.

Professor Membrane then placed down his note pad and thought about what Simmons said. He was right of course. Being the world's greatest scientist did not always mean that you did not have to sometime go home to your kids. He had yet to really find a substitute for parenting that worked one hundred percent since their mother died when they were very young. "I guess you have a point Simmons, but what about the gerbils?" Professor Membrane said.

"I can look after them for awhile. You know as much as you don't want to admit it, you cannot do it all." Simmons said. "And it will be the usual, you get all the credit for successes, failures are obliterated like they never happened in the first place. Go home, humor your kids, sleep in an actual bed tonight. The guards are given orders not to let you in till 9am tomorrow." Simmons said.

"Fine." Professor Membrane said as he got up and headed home. He drove through the sleet and snow like it was the middle of the summer with the adjustments he had made to steering and ability for the tires of his car to grip the road. He turned into the driveway and headed to the front door, kicking slush off his boots. Inside he found Dib reading a book on Bigfoot, causing him to sigh. He didn't say much about it yet, and hoped it would lead him to real science one day and Gaz was playing a game on the system she had gotten for her birthday last year. This was his family and they were minding their own business pretty well. As Dib looked up at the screen, Gaz's character died and she looked over at him with anger and threw the controller at him.

"Ow! What did I do?" Dib said using the book he was reading as a sort of tent shield over his head.

"I lost because you were looking at me you idiot!" Gaz yelled.

"How is that even possible? I mean I was reading this book on Bigfoot! I wasn't looking at your game!" Dib pleaded as he rubbed where the controller had hit him on the head.

"Son! Daughter!" Professor Membrane said as they looked over to find their father home.

"Dad!" Dib said running over to his father and hugged him around the waist "You're home, want to hear what I learned about Bigfoot just now!"

"Maybe later..." Professor Membrane said. "But you kids need to get your coats on, we are headed to the mall. To see Santa."

"Fine." Gaz said as she got up and turned off her gaming console and put her coat on. Dib put on a long black trench coat that was just his size and followed his father to the car carrying the book with him. They had hopped in the car, Gaz in the front seat, Dib in the back and they had headed to the mall. Gaz was staring out the window while Dib had gone on about the latest Bigfoot reports he had seen and read and of the new kid that moved to town that he thought was a baby Bigfoot and how his lunch consisted of grubs. After what seemed like an exhaustive search, Professor Membrane finally found a parking spot and they headed inside.

They made their ways through the mall, Professor Membrane pulling his kids from the stores they wanted to head into. Gaz kept wanting to go into the multiple gaming stores and Dib kept trying to get into surveillance equipment stores and computer stores. While Professor Membrane was interested in many of those similar things, he also didn't want to spend a lot of time in this mall in the first place. They saw the Santa's workshop display and he groaned. "I never trusted that jolly fat man." He said under his breath as he held Dib's hand tighter than normal.

"DAD!" Dib yelled. "You're grabbing my hand too hard!"

"Sorry." Professor Membrane said as he relaxed his grip on his son's hand. The line moved slowly as many of the children seemed to be drooling morons and they were typical childish desires for Christmas. Toy fire trucks, hamsters, a bike. Gaz seemed fascinated with the gaming store closest to the atrium that the workshop display was and kept trying to go there, causing Professor Membrane to grab the back of her jacket. When she discovered that trying to escape from her father's clutches was futile, she sighed in anger and disappointment and stood with him, putting her hands over her ears and humming a tune trying to ignore her brother. At last the time came for Dib and Gaz's turn. They headed up to Santa's lap and Professor Membrane begrudgingly placed his children there.

"Smelly bearded man smelling of ham and vomit..." He growled as he looked at the actor playing Santa, his horrible childhood memories of socks year after year playing in his mind. Oh how he wanted to destroy that jolly fat man. He wanted nothing to do with this facade and wanted him gone so bad. But the kids seemed genuinely happy talking to him, even if he was worried they were going to get sick later.

"You smell." Gaz said causing Professor Membrane to smile while Dib was holding up his shirt over his nose.

"Ho ho ho!" The Santa impersonator said. "That's only because I've been working with reindeer in the stables all day."

"This doesn't smell like reindeer." Dib said through his shirt.

"Just hurry up and and tell Santa what you want for Christmas." Professor Membrane said.

"Ho ho ho! Don't rush your children sir!" The Santa impersonator said.

"I will if I want to, I am their father." He said back staring at the man, _Kids first, you can beat a Santa impersonator up when they aren't here..._ He thought, clenching his fists tightly.

"What do you want for Christmas little girl?" He asked turning to Gaz.

"I want a new Gameslave and Vampire Piggy Hunter." Gaz said. "And headphones to ignore people." Gaz said.

"Aren't you a little young for that game?" Santa asked.

"Just take what I want down fat man." Gaz said.

"Fine." The Santa said. "And you little boy?"

"I want a new telescope, one that can actually see towards the Andromeda galaxy and possibly beyond. I want to see the aliens out there! And I want Dad to be home more often." Dib said.

"Dork." Gaz said as she headed over to beat up Dib.

"What did I do this time?" Dib asked as he huddled in fear of Gaz.

"Oh no you two don't!" Professor Membrane said as he headed to separate the two.

"PICTURE TIME!" One of the fake elf helpers said as they took a picture of Dib and Gaz fighting with Professor Membrane trying to break the two up. When the picture developed, the elf headed to Professor Membrane, disheveled from breaking his children's fight up. "That will be 25 bucks sir."

"Highway robbery." Professor Membrane said as he paid the elf and took the picture and smiled slightly. Maybe there was more to a visit to a drunken hobo in a Santa outfit than just his desire to make Santa pay for giving him socks over 30 years earlier. "I hope Santa brings you want you want." He said as they headed to the food court. "Krazy Taco or Bloaty's Express?" He asked his kids.

"Krazy Taco!" Dib said.

"Bloaty's" Gaz said looking at Dib with annoyance.

"I guess we can do both..." Professor Membrane sighed. "It is a food court after all." As he watched his kids eating, he smiled at the idea of family and Christmas and knew that he would have to get to work if he was going to get Dib a telescope as powerful as he wanted before Christmas. _Well at least Gaz will be easy to shop for._ He thought as he bit down on his burrito pizza and smiled.

 **So how was that? Good? Bad? Short? Long? Full of holiday fuzzies? Let me know in a review. I intended for this to be nothing more than a nice Membrane family moment for once but you know it won't always go like it should. And while I am not a fan of Professor Membrane ignoring his kids, I think he at least tries, even if it is somewhat ineffective. But anyway, remember to read (well you just did) and to review. Ciao for now,**

 **otherrealmwriter**

 **aka**

 **Realm.**


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